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It’s life Jim, but not as we know it…

Welcome to My Blog – Corny eh? But forgive me, I’m new at this. The reason I have sought out a place to write down my thoughts is… a sad one. Supported by friends and yet again, as so often, rejected and loathed by family because my mind is not as theirs,  … those who claim to love me. I will though, hopefully make this a place for education and adventure.

“These are my ongoing Voyages . For those who seek out new lives and information…

To boldly go where those who have (or have not) gone before…”

(Cue Star Trek Music)

So disgusted and upset

Halloween 2011
Invited to a couple’s house for a party. HER brother and sister were there with respecitve spouses. We had a great time. The ‘sister’ has remarried so her husband (a local Police Officer) is her children’s
step-father. Two boys who were 14 & 10. As at most parties, the kids get ignored so We 3 talked, played a game of hide & seek and the eldest actually danced the Tango with me just for a laugh.

I should say that my boyfriend has known the whole family for 25 years and helped them through a terrible time when they lost their father in an RTI 15 odd years ago.

At around 11.30, a good friend of the step-father called Shrek (for God’s sake) came up behind me in the garden and grabbed both my boobs. I turned around and shoved nim away and yelled “Fuck-off!” He then shoved me back so I fell on the floor, shouted, “Cunt” at me and walked inside. People helped me up and calmed me down for a few minutes. I went in to see my B/F having to walk past this Shrek although he didn’t see me. I overheard him saying, “I don’t give a fuck about that little shit Kenny, he couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag. He looks like a frog.”

I’d had enough, tapped him on the shoulder and said’ “Ok, let’s take this outside!” His reply was “Fuck off you mental freak!” His friends pulled him away from me. I went to my B/F and suggested we leave. I didn’t want to make more of a scene. The hosts were sad to see us go, told me to ignore ‘Shrek’ but he was so pissed I felt uneasy. Even the two kids I’d spent time with gave me a hug as we left.

Christmas 2011
Invited to the house of the sister and step-father. Huge, huge full table and the two boys insisted on sitting beside me which I thought was nice. They showed me the rest of the house and their rooms and respective computer/games etc. Rest of party continued without incident and, we left.
Halloween 2012
Invited to the same house/Halloween party as 2011. My daughter came along too 🙂 Neither the brother or sister, or spouses were there and some of THEIR friends were obviously missing. The hostess had a chat with me about this and that. She mentioned that there had been a family tiff hence the absences but quickly changed the subject.

Last Week 
My boyfriend received a text invite last week to the same Christmas 2011 party we’d gone to. It was for the upcoming Saturday. He rang the hostess to ask if it would be all right for my daughter to come along
too as she would be with me. “Erm, well, er, I’m not sure, I’ll just run it by my husband.

Very shortly afterwards, my boyfriend got a phone call from the host and the conversation went like this:

Host: Well I think you know what I’ve rung to say.
B/F: About Anise’s daughter?
Host: No. I think you have misunderstood your invitation.
B/F: Oh, why’s that?
Host: The invitation is only for you.
Awkward silence
B/F : Not for Anise?
Host: No
B/F: Why’s that?
Host: She is not welcome at my house. She is completely inappropriate and makes EVERYONE                   feel very uncomfortable. You are though, still welcome.

B/F: Right, thank you.

End of conversation. My boyfriend rang me, told me. I got the phone number out of him.

As it was still early and I wanted to calm down, I waited a while before calling.

Me:    Hello, this is Anise. Do you have a moment to talk?
Host: Well yes, but I can’t think what about.
Me:    I understand from my Boyfriend that I am not welcome at your home and I do not understand why. I was hoping that you would tell me.
Host: I thought that would have been obvious to you but I will explain. I have only met you twice and have been told you have mental health issues. These are obvious to ANYONE who meets you as you make everyone feel as if they should walk on egg shells around you. Your behaviour is totally inappropriate as is the language you constantly use and you make EVERYONE feel very, very uncomfortable. You are extremely inappropriate with ALL children to a very worrying extent, so much so that I do not believe that you should be allowed near ANY children. You can rest assured that if I know you will be attending any function held by our close or extended family, we will not be there. I hope this clarifies things for you.

I bit my tongue.
Me:  Thank you for explaining.

End of conversation.

I sobbed. I sobbed because he hid behind phrases such as ‘Obvious to ANYONE; make EVERYONE feel; inappropriate with ALL children. He didn’t have the courage to admit that these were HIS feelings, instead he stood like the leader of a pack of wolves, confident that he’d be backed no matter what he said.

I sobbed because of the accusation of being inappropriate with children. even when I was so ill – not well enough to look after my own children, I did the appropriate thing. I was strong enough to admit it, and asked their Fathers for help. Not that I was inappropriate with them in any way, shape or form. But, I KNEW that their best interests were served by stability, twice, my mental health prevented me from providing that. I always kept in daily contact with ALL of my children and saw them EVERY single weekend I have NEVER been inappropriate with ANY child. The idea is abhorrent to me.

And then… I became furious. Why? Because my boyfriend STILL WENT to the party and said… NOTHING. In my opinion, unforgivable, not that he said nothing but that he WENT. By doing so, it is my belief that he condoned the opinion of a cowardly bigot who claims to know everything but knows nothing.

What also bothers me so much is that he had/has influence over others. By the very nature  of their job, some people ‘command’ respect and trust. Solicitors, Police Officers, Fireman, Ambulance Crew, Doctors. Society tends to believe what they say and condone their beliefs.

I have proof from a third party that this man, this Police Officer, used his influence as a friend to persuade family and friends to stay away from the Halloween party. From this, I can only assume that he voiced his opinions of me to them. He’s a Police Officer – one of those members of society that is respected and 99.9% of the time – believed.

That was Saturday. On Sunday, I received a text invite to the Hosts of the Halloween party for Christmas evening. The sister-in-law of the coward. HA!

Turns out the family ‘tiff’ had been about me. “Invite her to Halloween and we won’t come and neither will our friends. They STILL invited me for which I will be forever grateful and I WILL go to see them on Christmas evening. I want to back them up and show my appreciation for myself and everyone who is the victim of abuse at the hands of people who refuse to accept anyone with a mental illness.

I HAVE tried to forgive my boyfriend for what he did but it’s so hard.

Can you give me your opinions/thoughts. I would really appreciate it.

Message for the Queen

All the unsaid silences in this video just get me…right in the heart

Sleep is under-rated

I can’t fucking sleep for the second night in a row. Makes you, sorry – me, crazy. If I had something to eat, I know sleep would come but then that would ruin the efforts of the last 2 days of not eating. Taken some chlorpromazine as I feel I’m on the edge of checking out but I really don’t want to. If Lizzie comes out, she’ll eat and when I wake up, I’ll be really pissed off with her. 

Now it’s fucking raining too. Shit poo bum.

Love song for a Vampire

Why not?

Ain’t no Sunshine

Ladies…. Although he did write it, forget Bill Withers and then Michael Jackson…. Eva Cassidy was/is the Queen!

Message for the Queen

All that is unsaid in this video speaks volumes.

I HATE PSYCHIATRISTS… “And how do you feel about that?”

PSYCHIATRISTS BEWARE.

I WILL TOY WITH YOUR MINDS,

GO FLY FISHING IN YOUR BRAINS,

QUICKLY GET BORED,

CHEW YOU OUT AND SPIT YOU OUT OF THE NEAREST WINDOW!

I’m reminded me of a time 7 or 8 years ago. I was being seen by a psychyatrist in Cambridge at Addenbrookes. After 2 sessions, I was blackmailed. In order to still see him, I also had to attend ‘group therapy’. I objected but couldn’t win. Imagine putting together 15 women with Bipolar, BPD, DID, and every other Personality disorder you can think of! The meetings never got to the end without at least 3 people walking out, others disassociating, and on 2 occasions there was a rugby scrum in the middle of the room 😀

I’d had enough of the group AND the psychiatrist. He was somewhat old school. I’d walk into the room and there would be this silence. It was like a battle. I would often stand up and go to leave which generally produced a verbal reaction. He was also from the school of,

“And how do you feel about that”

Over and over I told him not to say it. I might as well have done a Shirley Valentine, gone home and just ‘talked to me wall’.

It was 2 days after the group having a rugby scrum GRRR! To everything I said, out came, “And how do you feel about that”. Told him not to say it anymore. Warned him not to say it anymore. NOT AT ALL – HAVE A DAMN CONVERSATION with me!!

Ten minutes later he said it again. I said nothing but picked up my backpack and placed it on my lap. I put my hand inside, rummaged around and found what I needed. In my hand I cupped a brand new Tampax. He couldn’t see it but I held out my hand and offered him… it. Like a fool he held out his hand, I dropped the Tampax into it, stood up and said,

“Stick that in your bleeding hole you c**t!”

I walked out, never went back and felt so much better for it.